This could be considered to contain spoilers for Last Knight, but only by stretching the concept.
The FK characters belong to Sony. Morgana belongs to me; she appeared in Protect and Serve in 1995 as well. The title "Jamais Vu" has been used in Forever Knight fan fiction before, but Dianne was kind enough not to object to my hijacking it for this story.
Thanks to Dianne, Diane, and Deb for reading & commenting.
Jamais Vu
It was April, of course. At least once a year she remembered, but usually it was in April.
She sensed someone in her apartment in Toronto, and woke from deep sleep to find that it was only mid-afternoon. Reluctantly, not knowing yet who had broken in past her security system, Morgana dragged herself out of bed, unworried although she knew it must be another vampire. She had little to fear from her own kind; curiousity alone made her stumble down the hallway to the large main room of her apartment.
The blinds were open, sunlight streaming into the room, making a checkerboard pattern of light and shadow across half the carpet. Nick was sitting on the window seat, in full sunlight, looking through the glass down at the park below her building. Morgana stopped for a moment in the hallway, just to study him while unseen. Her friend, her brother, uncle, foster-father, teacher... love. But never her lover. That had never been, or would be, a possibility.
"You're leaving, aren't you?" she whispered, leaning against the doorway. Nick turned toward her voice and smiled. His eyes were sad, though, studying her as intently as she'd studied him a moment before. "I promised I'd say good-bye," Nick answered, standing and crossing the room to her. Morgana walked over to the couch, and curled up on the shadowed corner untouched by the light. Nick sat down beside her, reached up and brushed a strand of dark hair out of her eyes. "This isn't the way I imagined it would happen. Or the way I wanted it to happen. But I can't say I'm sorry it did."
Morgana crossed her arms, holding them across her stomach to keep herself from touching him. "This isn't fair. I can't believe you're doing this..." She could feel her eyes filling with scarlet tears, took a deep breath, and let it out. "It didn't have to be like this. You could have asked me. Or Janette. Or anyone, you know that it doesn't---"
"I already made the choice, Morgan." He stroked her cheek, shaking his head slightly, then let his hand drop away from her face. "I made it when I told Lacroix I wouldn't be brought back across thirty years ago. I made it when I married Natalie. Mortal lives end, you know that."
"I know. But I can't accept it." She stared again at the so-familiar face, seeing the man who saved her life when she first became a vampire; the friend who kept her from making a million ruinous, fatal mistakes when she had no control over herself or the bloodlust. Whenever she had had to kill a rogue, or execute a vampire gone bad, she always thought it: there but for the grace of God go I. God and Nick.
He was still handsome, still charming, even through silver hairs and wrinkles. But of course, none of that was obvious now. He looked as he'd looked when she first met him in Houston, the night he took her in. Nick had comforted her through her grief over her friends' deaths, and the intolerable pain of leaving her family, letting them think she was dead. Showed her that she had choices, that it was possible to have a life, to survive. They'd fought her rages, and the madness that came with Elliot's blood and memories, and they'd won; and Morgana had always known that he'd done it just as much for himself as for her. But it hadn't mattered. She had loved him anyway.
"You knew I was in love with you," Morgan whispered, taking Nick's hand in hers. "And you never... not once... let on that you knew." She felt a bittersweet smile form as she lifted his hand to her lips. "Sometimes I think I was more grateful for that than for all the rest put together. You let me keep my dignity, even if it was all an illusion. You never made me feel stupid or ashamed of my feelings for you."
"It wasn't an illusion. You were never ridiculous," Nick said quietly. "And I was touched that someone could feel like that about me. I hope you understand why I didn't feel the same way. I always thought of you as a child... my child, in everything but name." He was silent a moment, then added, "I never regretted adopting you, either. Not even when you came to Toronto before, when things were so strange with Tracy and Vachon. I was sorry you became an Enforcer, but I was more sad that I couldn't have prevented it. It shouldn't have been necessary for you to join them, even for a short time."
"Well, that's one more mistake I've fixed," Morgan answered, squeezing his hand. "You were right after all, I can handle the anger on my own. And Tracy's with Vachon now." She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Are you still angry about that?"
Nick sighed. "I still think it was a mistake. But---she is an adult. They seem happy. I suppose that counts for something." His face changed, grew more shadowed, and Morgan knew he was thinking of Janette. "It's too late to go back now."
"Does it have to be?" She could hear the pleading note in her own voice as she remembered the last time she'd seen him. He'd been hooked up to machines and tubes, a respirator breathing for him as Natalie slept in the visitor's chair next to his bed. A morphine drip connected to his arm, blocking the pain of the still-growing cancer.
"Yes." He traced her face again with one finger, blue eyes smiling as he looked at her. "Be happy for me. For the life I had."
"No. I can't."
"This is what I wanted, Morgana." Nick leaned forward and kissed her very lightly on the cheek. "I hope you can understand someday."
"If you leave, I'll have no one," she whispered, the tears overflowing at his touch.
"Janette loves you too."
"It's not the same." Morgan wiped at her eyes. "And it's not enough. Nick, don't you want to live?"
"Not at that price." Nick stood up, still smiling, and looked down at her. "Thank you for keeping my family safe. I know I don't have to ask you to look after Natalie and the kids."
"It's not fair," Morgan stubbornly repeated. She felt her face crumple as full realization of what was happening reached her. "God, Nick, how am I going to go on without you helping me? Who else is going to understand? Janette... Janette and I can't talk anymore, there's too much we're afraid to say, we don't want to hurt each other. I'm afraid she'll go back also; and then what will I do?"
"I'm sorry, Morgan." Regret showed in Nick's eyes. But there was more acceptance there than any tiny amount of rebellion or bitterness. "I can't stay. But I have faith in you, love. You'll be fine. You won't make my mistakes; and someday you won't be alone anymore. I know it."
"Nick---"
"Good-bye, Morgan. I loved you." He stepped into the sunlight, and the light flared, blinding her momentarily. When she opened her eyes again, he was gone, and she was in her bed in Athens.
She turned over, clutching the pillow to her as she cried. She'd never gotten the chance to say good-bye to him, all those years ago; he hadn't kept his promise to let her know when he was leaving. It hadn't been his fault. But every once in a while, she would dream of him again, standing in sunlight, telling her not to be sad.
Jamais vu, Janette called it. Remembering something that never happened; creating a memory of what should have been, if there had been time. The dream was always set in the apartment in Toronto that she'd only lived in a week, and it was always spring. Sometimes she'd dream of Nick's death as it had actually happened; other times she'd remember what might have happened, bad or good, and dream that instead.
But he always left. Died. Dead. Gone.
And every time, she'd plead with him to stay, to come back. How many years would it be, before she quit remembering it? She'd stopped dreaming of Elliot's death a decade after she came across, and of her friends' dying a few more decades after that. Maybe she'd never stop dreaming it. She couldn't even be properly sorry; it was her only contact with her vampire family, her last chance to say good-bye to her first love. Her last love. Maybe she'd stop dreaming it when she didn't feel so alone.
Morgana forced herself to get out of bed just as her alarm went off and the DJ's voice on the radio filled the room. "It's 8:17 PM in Athens, Georgia, here on FM 96. It's April 15th, 2115. Here are today's top stories..."
...fin...