Non-beta read, non-double-checked emotionalism again; but thanks to Cynthia, Jane, Margie, Lisa, Valerie, and everyone on FKSPOILR who dissected Nick & Natalie's relationship ad infinitum after "Last Knight" aired. I write better than I argue, so consider this my statement of opinion.
Spare Me This
by Christina Kamnikar
copyright 1996
In the hold of the cruise ship Estrellita, sounds could be heard from inside a long, narrow box. They were indistinct and muffled, but if anyone were present to hear them, they would be recognizable as human speech. Fortunately, the hold was deserted.
"Ow," Natalie muttered huskily, "ow, ow, ow."
"Natalie?"
"Mmmmmm-hmmmm." She kept her eyes closed and swallowed, trying to get rid of the dryness in her throat.
"Nat, talk to me." Nick sounded fairly desperate. She could feel his hand stroking her hair, his body underneath hers; there were no sounds to focus on. It was utterly quiet. She'd bumped her head when she'd tried to sit up, and banged her knee when she'd shifted position, trying instinctively to move away from him when she awakened. But there was no where to move to, it seemed.
"How do you feel?" Nick asked softly. Natalie could feel his hands shaking as they stroked her hair and held her close.
"Bad," she rasped, opening her eyes again to the darkness. There was some barrier, a wall or something, six inches in front of her. "Thirsty."
"Drink this." He put a bottle to her lips, and the thirst suddenly became ravenous hunger. She grasped the bottle, her hands over his, noticing in some distant corner of her mind that he didn't seem so cold anymore, his hands warm in comparison to hers. The heat was comforting, almost, but the searing hunger wasn't; it was frightening, and all too soon the bottle was empty. Nick placed a second bottle to her lips, and let her drink deeply before pulling it away. Hot raging fury filled her, and she grabbed for the drink, trying to shout when he wouldn't let her have it. A snarl ripped its way out of her throat, but she was focused on the bottle, on her need for another drink. "Nat. Nat!" Nick's voice again, giving her a direction for her anger, and she turned, rolling fully on top of him, her fists punching at his chest and stomach. She jostled his arm upward, and the bottle shattered, spraying glass and the last of its contents over the two of them as she ducked.
Shivering, she opened her eyes again, still thirsty, although not as horribly as she'd been a few minutes ago. Natalie could smell what she'd been drinking on her jacket and in Nick's hair. Blood, of course.
Full awareness of where she was and memory of what had happened came crashing back in on her.
Nick had been drinking from her, in his loft. She'd asked him to make love to her, to take the chance that her love could bring him back across, telling him that she had faith. He'd agreed. A kiss. A look. And then he'd bitten her, just like that, no lead-in, no warning, and she'd been trapped inside his feelings, experiencing his memories--- violent, terrifying images, full of bloodlust, fear, love, hate, guilt, in such intensity that she'd nearly changed her mind, nearly pushed him away. But she'd held on instead, sure, so very sure, that he could control himself.
Wrong again, Natalie, she thought.
"Where... where are we?" she mumbled, trying to make sense of what happened after the dark closed in on her in the loft.
"In a coffin."
Lacroix's voice came back to her, talking about life; about not rejecting it, asking Nick if he thought of Lacroix as the Devil. Other images, surreal ones, of Nick and Lacroix at the loft... and Lacroix asking her if she was ready to give up on Nicholas yet. "Are you going to abandon him, now that he needs you?" he'd asked her. "Or do you truly have faith?"
"I'm a vampire," Natalie said wonderingly.
"Yes."
"You brought me across."
"Not... exactly." Nick shifted his weight, readjusting Natalie on his chest, his voice bleak. "Lacroix wouldn't let you die like I wanted to."
"What?!" Natalie wasn't sure which idea was more shocking; that Lacroix would save her life, or that Nick wouldn't. "You... Nick, weren't you listening to me before this started? Why---"
"Because I didn't want you to hate me. Because I wanted to prevent this! I killed you, but I didn't want you to experience the darkness I've been through...." Nick's voice trailed off into a whisper. "I wanted there to be an ending to it."
Natalie considered this a moment, anger building. "Unbelievable," she muttered. She propped herself up on one elbow, scooting upward so she could reach his face. Despite the utter lack of light, she could see him, his eyes staring upward at the lid of their prison. "Nick, look at me." He closed his eyes, and she punched him again under his ribs. He yowled, and grabbed her arms, gasping for breath. "Damn it, don't you dare run away from this!"
Their eyes locked, and Natalie could feel her breath freeze in her lungs. She could see so much now, so much that she hadn't been able to when mortal. He was even more beautiful than she remembered, and now she could feel his emotions, love/guilt/fear/hope/anger/lust washing over her like a tidal wave. She had to speak to that first, before everything else. "I love you. I don't hate you. That doesn't mean I don't want to kill you right now. For several reasons! But don't ignore me. Don't you *dare* leave me alone in here."
"Never," he whispered, pulling her closer. The intensity in his eyes had nothing to do with despair now, but something sweeter, something she'd almost never hoped to see. "I promised you that. Remember?"
She remembered. "Then why...?"
"Why was I going to let you die?" Nick brought her hand to his lips, an expression of pain flickering across his features before they resumed a despairing cast. "I had faith. That we would be together, no matter what."
"Meaning?" But even as she asked, she understood, and wanted to smack him again. "You didn't...."
"I really wish you hadn't punched me in the stomach, Nat."
"You tried to stake yourself?" Overwhelming anger and tenderness swamped her. "Of all the stupid, dumb---"
"No. I asked Lacroix to."
She blinked, staring down at him. Nick had that stoic, I'm-hurting-but-I-don't-want-you-to-know-it expression on his face. She bit her lips, almost remembering the moment when this happened---and then got a mental image of Lacroix standing over Nick with a deeply disgusted look on his face. She giggled, tried to fight the amusement bubbling up in her, but it was too strong. She exploded in laughter, shaking both of them as she whooped with hilarity at the situation. "Ni-ick," she said, gasping for breath. "Why did you think he'd go along with that? Huh? Why?"
"I asked him to!" Nick's voice was full of outrage, but he shrugged uncomfortably, and pulled her closer. "Well, it made sense at the time." He was stroking her hair again, and this time Natalie had no urge to stop him as her giggles subsided. "I thought I'd killed you. I couldn't... I couldn't bear it, Nat. I couldn't face what I'd done, and I really thought we'd be together somewhere else." He traced the edge of her jaw with his thumb, mesmerizing her with the slow movement. "Instead, I've dragged you into Hell with me..."
"Spare me," Natalie muttered. "Just... spare me."
"Don't you understand what's happened? Don't you know what this means?" He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, bumping her head against the coffin lid, eliciting a small "ouch" that reduced his shaking to clenching of her arms. "We aren't in Toronto, Nat. Lacroix has put us on some cruise ship going south. He probably fixed it so we look like we're dead back home. We can't go back."
"Good."
"Good?"
"Good." She leaned down and kissed him hard on the lips, feeling the fangs in his mouth for the first time without fear. She pulled back, running her tongue around her own mouth, intrigued and a little scared by the new sensations. "Nick, I'm not saying that I'm thrilled I'm a vampire. But the alternative isn't something I'm interested in right now, okay? Dead is no longer an option." She fell silent for a few moments, nestling into his shoulder. "I couldn't go on with my life the way it was... Always waiting for something that might not happen. It was making me crazy, Nick. I'm not sorry we tried to change the stalemate."
"But everything we had back there, all our friends---"
"I know, I know," she put her fingers to his lips, raising herself up to look at him again. "I know." Natalie let her fingers drop, looking down on him, feeling the first flickers of regret. "I..." She shook her head, then laid down on him again. "I know." She thought of Tracy's funeral, and Laura's, both of which they'd miss. Thought of Grace, and Sidney, and felt a pang of loss. Her choice, though. There had been a door; and a light---and a path back, leaving everything else behind. She'd believed in Nick enough to turn away from that door.
"I'm so sorry, Nat." His arms tightened around her, and she heard one loud heartbeat suddenly beneath her. "So very sorry..."
Natalie sighed, shifted against him, tracing the line of jaw with her finger. "Tell me something."
"What?"
"Are you going to be like this for the rest of our lives?"
Nick's voice was bewildered. "Like what?"
"Apologetic. Guilt-ridden. Taking responsibility for everything."
"I _am_ responsible."
Nat groaned, closing her eyes. "You are, aren't you? You're going to be like this forever." She turned his face toward her. "Nick, it was a calculated risk. I asked you to take it. And I'm not sorry we're both still alive, and while I have some regrets, I think it was a fairly even trade." A thought struck her. "Except you never actually made love to me. I mean really, Nick... you did better than that when you thought you were human." She was using humor to mask her uncertainty again; wondering if maybe, maybe, he wouldn't love her now that she was changed. A vampire, Natalie. You're a vampire.
"I had a good reason," Nick replied disgruntledly.
"I'd love to hear it."
He muttered something in French, scowling at the lid of the coffin. Natalie poked him in the ribs, and he grabbed her hands to stop her. "I thought I'd have a better chance of ... controlling myself... if I didn't make love to you." Nick fell silent a moment, then said, "I never told you about the ghost I saw in the haunted house."
"No, you didn't." She yawned, snuggling closer to him, wondering where this was going. And why the hell hadn't he kissed her back, yet. Was all of his apologizing because he was sorry he killed her? Or sorry that she wasn't dead? If she thought about that too long, she'd end up depressed too.
"A long time ago---a very, very long time ago---I was married."
"You were?" That brought her awake. "That was your ghost? Your wife?"
"Yes." Nick's voice was quiet, but filled with darkness. "I killed her. I tried to bring Alyssa across, and I took too much..." he pulled Natalie closer, kissed her lightly on her forehead. "Nat, you don't know how it felt, knowing I'd betrayed her trust in me. She wasn't scared. She loved me. I thought..." He swallowed, shaking his head. "I thought if I didn't make love to you, that if I just sipped, I'd be able to control it." He let out his breath explosively. "But I couldn't. I tried, Natalie. I truly tried... but it was--- you are--- everything I wanted. Everything---"
He took her face in his hands, and kissed her. Finally, she thought, and then her thoughts became somewhat incoherent as he caressed her lips with his, tugging on them, sucking on her tongue... he broke away, leaving Natalie feeling dazed and hot, wanting more. "I... this is the wrong time to say it, but... I love you. I know that I've screwed everything up, ruined our chances for a life together, but if you can forgive me, I swear---"
"Shut up about the guilt, Nick." She pulled him closer, fingers lacing behind his head. "Forget the angst. Say it again. I need to hear it."
"I love you?" Tentatively, as if afraid of rejection; believing that nothing could make up for being wrong, not being perfect, bringing catastrophic change on them both.
"With feeling, Nick. I love you, Natalie Lambert."
Blue eyes stared into green, and then he said it so she could finally believe it. "I love you, Natalie Lambert," he whispered. "You're my best friend, my love, and my heart and nothing can change that. I am never, ever going to leave you."
"I love you, Nick. I will always love you."
Another long kiss, and another, and then Natalie was the one to pull away, shivering. "Can we get out of here? I'm starting to get the creeps."
"Ummmm... I don't know. I tried to break it open earlier, but Lacroix sealed it tight. I think he was afraid of what I might do otherwise. He was a bit annoyed with me."
Natalie snorted. "Well, that makes two of us." She pinched him.
"Ow!"
"You deserved that for being so... so... pigheaded. Next time you have a life or death choice, remember it's life. Any kind of life."
"It won't happen again." Nick kissed her, slowly sliding his hands beneath her blouse. "Because," he whispered against her mouth, "I won't let it. I swear. We will never be apart."
"Yeah, yeah," Natalie teased him, kissing him back, laughing softly. "How long do you think Lacroix will keep us in here?"
"Don't know," Nick murmurred, nuzzling her neck.
"Hmmm... well, I hope he doesn't come back real soon..." Amazing how creative you could get in close quarters. The bump on her head seemed to be going away, and her knee felt fine... And Nick's ribs didn't seem to be bothering him anymore, either... "And you wanted to spare me this..."